hit a blank

i can't exactly pinpoint why i haven't written in a while. it's not for a loss of wanting to do so, i mean technically i have written multiple pieces since my last upload - i just haven't shared them.

some who know me may say i'm overly critical of my work (they would be correct). but i think besides my anxious thoughts, i just haven't felt anything was good enough. and though i don't think i'm the next philosophical writer, or the next person to change a life through my writing, i am quite proud of pieces i have shared. it's something i feel i am actually good at - being able to convey emotions into words that resonate with people that is. but seemingly every piece i write i read over and over and over again until the words begin to bleed together and i just discard it completely. it's almost as if i forgot what words are or how to express what i feel or what i'm thinking, and suddenly i'm sitting by my laptop and it's as if all the pressure of the world is resting on my shoulders. i don't think that this weight is constantly on me though - in my day to day i don't think i am so consumed with this fear. and yes though most of my posts have an underlying or maybe anxious thought behind it i find myself to be quite peaceful, and i don't typically have some personified cloud of doom looming over me.

it makes me wonder why we as a collective put so much pressure on everything. it's not like i have a cult following on here or anything, but yet i feel this immense pressure of being watched and how i may be being perceived. even right now while writing i keep pausing to move things around, re-edit my words, and to just stare at my screen nitpicking what's in front of me. maybe it's the pressure of having a website thats just mine. i mean yeah i had a substack prior to this, but i guess it didn't feel so jarring.

i find myself constantly searching for new inspiration, something that excites me or moves me that i feel is important to discuss or a new question to ponder over. maybe in the search of "new" inspiration, i lost a part of the me i've tried to maintain - that you should be your own muse. which i think in parts of my work, i still am. but still i find myself trying to find more, constantly searching for ways to evolve and grow in the way the content i consume makes me feel. i don't know if it comes from a sense of insecurity, or maybe curiosity - but nonetheless i'm craving something. even though i'm not sure what that may be, hopefully it will spark that creativity again that i prided myself on having.

i have found some solace though in conversations i have had with friends, in realizing most of them feel stuck as well. we're all just trying to find what feels right, fulfilling, and like ourselves. one of my bestfriend's and i had a whole discussion on the matter recently, and while obviously i don't want any of my friends to struggle in the ways i am just simply because i am; it did give me a soft hug of reassurance that in this time where everything feels so pivotal, that we're all intertwined in this project of self identification. even though it's been a year since we graduated, it's like we blinked and suddenly we had no time for our social lives, no jobs in our career we had planned, and all with the same feeling of stuckness, and everything just feels fleeting.

i'm not sure if my drafts will see the light of day, or maybe i'll try posting on substack again for old times sake. but at least i finally wrote again. and at least i'm posting this.

xo,

belle