new hair new person?

i'm dying my hair today. i've had black hair for a looooooong time (ignoring the crisis in when i was semi red and then semi brunette - i was going through it ok), but i think i just need a complete change.

i'm a mix of excited and slightly nervous. it's incredibly dumb but here i am. maybe it's the comfortability in the fact that through everything in the last few years, at least my hair has stayed (mainly) the same.

maybe my frontal lobe has just started to develop, but i have this urge to just do a complete 180 on certain parts of myself. like a full fresh start.

does change in someone always need to be revolutionary? we as people either celebrate change or repel it like it's a huge mosquito. i have mixed emotions on the matter. i'm not usually enthusiastic with change, unless i initiate it. i think. i'll settle on undetermined as of now.

i think collectively we are taught that change arrives alongside clarity. whether its a new position at work, moving away from home, losing friends; gaining them. but in life, my changes have been a bit more quiet, at least the realizations of them have been. it makes me wonder about if we'll ever really get 100% clarity in life. not that i particularly go through life knowing what's going on all the time anyway, but in theory i guess.

i've finally picked up a book i bought a few years ago. everything i know about love. i bought it because steph bohrer had posted about it (her reviews single handedly carried me in my freshman and sophmore years of college). except, i never picked it up. i suppose my life's disappointments and happiness had led me to feel like i already knew everything there was about parties, dates, friends, jobs, life, and love. but when my world had done a slight flip in plans, i had remembered that i hadn't read it yet. and as if it was planned out by the universe, right in the middle of my half broken bookshelf covered by the stacks of books i have not enough room for; there it was.

i can confidently say now i don't know half as much about life or love as i thought i did. but maybe with this new hair, we'll uncover a new bels. maybe this change really is revolutionary, or at least i'm pretending it is. hope, delusion - its all relative. whatever the technical term for my feeling is, i'm happy with it.

maybe growth isn’t always loud. maybe it just looks like rereading books i once ignored, changing my hair, and realizing i don’t need all the answers.

xo,

belle.