rambling n such

i've noticed that i haven't known what to write about anymore. which is odd because normally i find i write the most when i'm sad or unwell. i think it may be because normally i start with a question, which makes no sense because i never have an answer.

i don't know what is interesting enough to disclose here. do i discuss my issues with relationships in my life, or how i feel like i have lost some friends recently and thats upsetting to me? is it interesting enough to talk about another failed proposal of love? see. again with unanswered questions.

i find it interesting how often times we try to look for solutions so often in things that really don't need resolution. we have convinced ourselves that every situation needs closure in order to progress with our lives, or that every step of our lives must be dutifully planned to have real meaning.

i am currently back living with my family, and though i am my father's primary caregiver i have no real job. i'm looking for masters programs, but i don't really know what i want to study anymore. there's so many thing that peak my interest, and though i can't learn it all, i sure do want to. i question how i'm supposed to pick and what will be the correct choice to catapult my life into fulfillment but i'm still unsure of an answer for that as well. i mean surely nobody really knows what they're doing, right?

i've been reading more again which is comforting, and hopefully this piece gives me some form of comfort as well. i think that's why i have been struggling with writing. no matter how sad a piece of mine is, i find a weird sense of comfort in finishing a piece. but i've never struggled with such uncertainty with my pieces. i have 5 drafts besides this currently sitting, waiting for whether or not they'll see the light of day. idk why i feel like every piece has to be revolutionary of some sort. maybe it's because anyone at any time can access them. these people may know me, or may not, they have the ability to judge, or use against me my own words and emotions. and it's slightly uncomfortable and makes me a bit nauseous. idk when i became so self aware of these things but it's shifted my perspective. i guess it's because we do everything in life for some form of validation, whether it's our parents, friends, boss, kids, coworkers, ourselves, the list goes on.

maybe i need to just pack a bag and disappear in a new environment, talk to new people, make new memories. i'm not well traveled, and maybe leaving the bubble of comfort i have in nyc will do me some good. get me away from the man whom i thought i was going to eventually date and teach myself that it'll be okay. or maybe it won't be okay, who knows. i think i need to move away. somewhere away from home. away from old memories, past people etc. it seems particularly dramatic and it honestly probably is (boo hoo as if nobody's ever been dramatic before???) but i don't particularly care. i think space is good, it may not really be good but at least it feels good.

as usual i have no resolution on growth and what constitutes to real life changes and what will inevitably shape me into the woman of the future. but i'm tired, and the cold i have is kicking my ass. so i will be shutting up now. maybe this helped u not feel alone. or maybe ur laughing at me, idfk

xo,

belle.